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Ham Smash ‘Em Up Recipes!

Ham Smash ‘Em Up

By Michael Z.

Ingredients for sandwich

¼ pound of bacon

¼ pound of pork based sausage (links or patties)

½ pound of deli-sliced, honey-cured ham

2 slices of ½ – ¾ inch bread (Polish rye or sourdough)

A fair helping of sandwich spread of choice (mayo, mustard, salad dressing etc.)

Enough slices of cheese for what you need

Cheese options:






Suggested garnishing options:



Cholula hot sauce

Bacon, ham, or sausage


* substitute half of the honey-cured ham with black forest ham

* add 1tsp brown sugar to grease base


Pan fry bacon and sausage (hereafter referred to as “tha’ stuffin”)

Make sure sausage is broken up into smaller pieces

Set tha’ stuffin aside

Pour all but a thin coating of the grease out of the pan

Reduce pan to medium heat and place bread slices in grease

Gently toast one side of each slice; the bread will absorb a portion of the grease giving it a meaty flavor

Place bread to the side

Spread out the sliced ham and spoon a portion of tha’ stuffin into each

Roll the ham and tha’ stuffin into… rolls


Spread a thin layer of chosen sandwich spread on the non-toasted side of each bread slice

Place the ham rolls and cheese on the non-toasted side of the bread, fitting them together closely

Alternate layers of cheese and ham rolls, starting and ending with a layer of cheese

If adding any additional ingredients, (garnishes etc…) place them in the center of the sandwich

Overall design once assembled should be symmetrical from top down

Finally, place entire sandwich in a sandwich maker (device used to seal sandwiches shut) until edges are firmly sealed and no ingredients spill out


Ideal presentation involves projection of sandwich to face via a “potato gun” or other device used to propel food-type-objects at high speeds

Additionally, one may wish to make a small flag out of bacon and a toothpick to top the sandwich

Others suggest ideal presentation in the “open faced” style:

Find a close friend

Create a small hole, thumb sizes, in the bottom, center of sandwich

Have friend insert thumb through hole, holding sandwich vertically against a fist

Open mouth (the individual eating the sandwich, not the friend… although (s)he can also open his/her mouth for effect)

Have friend insert sandwich at high velocity into mouth via fist transportation


Ham Smash ‘Em Up
By Nathan Rosen of microhorror.com

Ingredients: Rustic white bread, honey mustard, provolone cheese, your favorite ham, sliced pickles.

Note: You may substitute any spread or condiments you like for the honey mustard, and you may substitute any cheese you like for the provolone.

Step 1: Build a sandwich in the following order, from the bottom up:
Slice of bread
Honey mustard
Honey mustard
Slice of bread

Step 2: Press the sandwich created in Step 1 in a hot panini press until it is golden and crispy on the outside and gooey and molten on the inside.

Step 3: Return to your ingredients and build a sandwich in the following order, from the bottom up:
Slice of bread
Honey mustard
Honey mustard
The entire pressed sandwich that was created in Step 2
Honey mustard
Honey mustard
Slice of bread

Step 4: Take the new, monstrous sandwich that was created in Step 3 and press it in the panini press until it is, again, golden and crispy on the outside and gooey and molten on the inside.

Theoretically, the process could be repeated infinitely, limited only by the vertical capacity of your panini press, but most people will be satisfied with the iterations described above.


Ham Smash ‘Em Up
By Bill H.

From top to bottom:

Smash ( http://www.premierfoods.co.uk/our-brands/smash_home.cfm )
Ketchup (just a little to fuse with the Smash)

For extra Britishness, “wrap” the Smash in small amounts of Marmite.
Would hold the sandwich together nicely too. If you do this right it
should explode just a little bit when you eat it, suiting the name


Ham Smash ‘Em Up

By Juliet A.

A smash sandwich usually has french fries in side it. Therefore, I think
the Ham Smash Em Up sandwich should have layers of hot ham with melted
swiss cheese and french fries, served in a hot toasted bun slathered with


Ham Smash ‘Em Up

By Lemon

Ingredients: 4 slices of medium-thin ham (only the finest, please)

1 ounce of also-the-finest ham, diced into cubes about 1/8″ per side

2 ounces of cheese (cheddar or pepperjack, preferably) grated into small bits

2 slices of bread (YOUR CHOICE!)

Some butter

2 medium-sized frying pans of equal proportions (or a George Foreman, or a sammich press)

Directions: Arrange ingredients as follows, starting from the bottom and working up: 1 slice of bread, 2 slices of ham, diced ham cubes AND grated cheese (important that they’re in the same level), 2 slices of ham, 1 slice of bread. Place about a half-tablespoon of butter on top of sammich. Make sure your frying pans are frickin’ clean, top and bottom. Put both on the stove on medium-high. Melt 1/2 tablespoon of butter on ONE of the pans. When the butter in the pan starts bubbling and looking like the whole shebang is pretty darn hot, take that frying pan off heat, placing on any surface you don’t care about singeing or deforming (preferably another unused burner or a wooden cutting board) Very quickly put the sammich construction buttered-side-up (important!) in the buttered pan. Take the other pan off of the stove and, being careful not to hurt yourself or whatever, smash it the hell on top of the sammich as it sits in the other pan. Leave it in this configuration for about 3 minutes. When the sammich is finally freed, it will be hot and toasted, and the ham cubes will be smashed out the sides with the cheese (depending on the ferocity of your smashing) in a gooily delicious configuration. Eat, or throw at neighbor.


Ham Smash ‘Em Up

By Adam F.

You will need:
– Any number of ham slices
– Two pieces of bread
– Five 2″ nails (may substitute any size except 1.25″. This is critically important to your safety.)
– One hammer
– One stool (pine wood, maple varnish, red cotton or black leather upholstered)

1) Nail one slice of bread to the ceiling.
2) Hold four nails between your fingers, like Wolverine!
3) Growl a bit, slash the air as if you were fighting Magneto (very important!)
4) Impale the second piece of bread on your finger-nails.
5) Impale the desired number of ham slices on your finger-nails, above the bread.
6) Standing on the stool, punch the piece of bread on the ceiling
6a) If you are tall enough to reach the ceiling, stool may be omitted for this step.
6b) Your sandwich taste will vary depending on noises made during the punch. For the correct mild, salty flavor, pretend you are speaking politely to a postman.
7) Remove your fingers from the nails.
7a) If the sandwich fails to stay intact, your stool is of the incorrect lumber or varnish type.
8 ) Pull the sandwich from the ceiling.
9) Eat the sandwich.
9a) Sitting on the stool provides the best posture for digestion of the sandwich.
10) After eating the sandwich, wash it down with a cool glass of skim milk.
11) Put the stool back where you found it, and put the hammer and nails back in your workshop. Oh, that reminds me…
9b) Remove the nails before eating the sandwich.


Ham Smash ‘Em Up

By The Elitist Superstructure of DQN at http://4-ch.net/

2 lb. of ham
One BikeCat
One >>4 (in nida form)
One Fancy Hearing Cake
One Ham Smash ‘Em Up (or any other recursive sandwich)
One dude
9 oz. shitty textured tofu protein substitute

Directions: HAMMER each INGREDIENT with your FIST OF RAGING FURY going “pew pew”, then put the ham smash em up in the Fancy Hearing Cake. Say “bumsex” four times. Kick it until it explodes. Once the area is safe to return to, garnish with sage and enjoy


Ham Smash ‘Em Up

By Nathan H.

First, you ride a pig.

Then you grab a giant “ham leg mace” in the one hand and a shield made of back bacon in the other.
Then you get someone else with the same equipment and have a deadly ham leg waking joust on the pigs!

When the brutal battle is finished and a victor has been named, you gather up the remains from the battle, an put them on a giant toasted bun.


Ham Smash ‘Em Up

By Bjorn N.

It could be eating a 6 inch reuben while participating in a
demolition derby, or really any form of derby, really.


Ham Smash ‘Em Up

By Courtney S.

Two slices ham
1 sprinkle cheddar cheese
1 slice American cheese
1 hot dog
Bread sufficient to place on either side of assembled product in however many pieces it is cut (Hawaiian Bread subs work best)
1 dollop delicious Buttersafe brand ketchup (other brands may be substituted in an emergency)
Pickles sufficient to cover half the bread used (optional)

1) Place one slice of ham on microwave safe, portable surface. Paper towels work best.
2) Sprinkle cheddar cheese over ham, spread as evenly as possible.
3) Place second slice of ham on top of the first.
4) Place American Cheese on second slice of ham
5) Place hot dog on top of cheese.
6) -Carefully- roll hot dog up into both slices. If using a paper towel, roll newly formed dohickey up in paper towel to help it stay together during cooking.
7) Microwave for 30-60 seconds, or otherwise heat however you like.
8) Place finished product on bread, place other half or slice of bread on top. Garnish with pickles if you like, ketchup definitely, or anything other condiments you think might be good.
9) Smash with palms. Watch cheese ooze all over the place, making it twice as tasty.
10) Toast if you wish and if you’re froo froo.
11) Eat while reading delicious Buttersafe comics (Other brands may -NOT- be substituted in any emergency short of landing in the giant mazebread or on the giant hand turkey)